Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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