yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
