Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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