So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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