def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
