Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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