I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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