I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
