Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
