I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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