you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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