nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
