My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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