Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
