Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
