By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
