hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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