omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
