i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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