I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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