Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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