I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
