I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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