I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
