when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
