apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
