My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
