I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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