Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
