True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
