I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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