just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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