my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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