Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize