The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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