I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
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I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
im on a boat
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