Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
