I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
