I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
