I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
