my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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