I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
