How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
