I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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