This is not my ceiling
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
