Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
