Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
