Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
