well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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