they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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