I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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