it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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