Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Randomize
