mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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