I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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