Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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