It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
