meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
