Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
